So I'm stressed. I have a test on Monday which I do not have the study guide for and its Saturday night. No chance of getting a guide cos the Notes center is closed in the weekend. I have a lot on my mind right now and I just need to get it off my chest.
A lot of people say I have an interesting life. "Like on TV" they say. Well I wish it wasnt.
BACK IN THE DAY
I was about 16. Me and my mates were close. I had a best friend. I was homophobic (back then). I found out (or at least suspected) he was one of them. Since I was pretty 'high ranked' back then, when we dissed the fags I was pretty outspoken. So yeah this was a dilemma. Easily solved I thought. I outed him. He was devastated. Suicide. My girlfriend found out. Argument. I still love her. Devastated. Lost two of my closest mates.
ABUSE
Yes I was abused as a child. I was a fucking child so I didn't know it back then but now that I'm not as stupid I know what happened. Fuck that to think you can do things to a child. They don't know what's right or wrong, assuming that the person they TRUST will do the right thing. Fuck I didn't know it was not right- I was a FUCKING kid. O well.
MY FATHER FIGURE
Family problems. Never liked my step-dad. It was a mutual feeling. Sought refuge in the streets. Met Titch. My inspiration. He took me in cause he's been through the same thing. I could see it in his eyes. Taught me all I know. One day I hope to be like him.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Love
Girl: Do I ever cross your mind?
Boy: No
Girl: Do you like me?
Boy: Not really
Girl: Do you want me?
Boy: No
Girl: Would you cry if I left?
Boy: No
Girl: Would you live for me?
Boy: No
Girl: Would you do anything for me?
Boy: No way
Girl: What would you choose: your life..or me?
Boy: My life
The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says...
Boy: The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind. The reason why I don't like you is because I love you. The reason I don't want you is because I need you. The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left. The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you. The reason why I'm not willing to do you anything for you is because I would do everything for you. The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life.
Every day. Every night. You're always on my mind baby. It still hurts, but it helps me sleep.
Revelation
So I've been telling my mates that the reason I'm reluctant to leave my boys are because I feel they are family, that the life I lead is what comes naturally to me, that God made me this way, to preserve the balance, the ying-yang co-existence. But it has just occured to me that the reason I hesitate to leave the gang is that I may be afraid. The things I have been taught, the evils I have seen, have given me the drive to do what they taught, what they ask, what I do best.
I have seen what they have done, what I have done, and it is ugly.
I have been taught to destroy, and it is in this act I see myself, that I have become afraid. The ability I have to punish others was not mine but passed from the gang, and I am just a student, a pawn in their game. I fear what they will do to me, as I have done to others, but only that they are much more skilled, as they have taught me all I know. It scares me that the power I have comes from a source, them, which I would be stupid to betray, and that is why I am reluctant.
I realise that this means they know how to control me. Those who fight back are those who truly have nothing to lose. I however have something to lose, and it pains me. They know not to back people into a corner, for they have only one way left to go- back towards you. Only corner those you want to kill, not control. And so it follows I am still alove because I am still useful to them, they know that, and they know I know it. Their shadows cast upon me, I know that they are keeping their distance, but that one day they will be calling, and what will I do then?
I have seen what they have done, what I have done, and it is ugly.
I have been taught to destroy, and it is in this act I see myself, that I have become afraid. The ability I have to punish others was not mine but passed from the gang, and I am just a student, a pawn in their game. I fear what they will do to me, as I have done to others, but only that they are much more skilled, as they have taught me all I know. It scares me that the power I have comes from a source, them, which I would be stupid to betray, and that is why I am reluctant.
I realise that this means they know how to control me. Those who fight back are those who truly have nothing to lose. I however have something to lose, and it pains me. They know not to back people into a corner, for they have only one way left to go- back towards you. Only corner those you want to kill, not control. And so it follows I am still alove because I am still useful to them, they know that, and they know I know it. Their shadows cast upon me, I know that they are keeping their distance, but that one day they will be calling, and what will I do then?
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Vision
A few weeks ago I had a vision, if I may call it that. It was not a dream, because I was awake, although I really am not sure what to describe what my state was. Near-death, dead, semi-conscious and conscious are all terms which could've described my state, but honestly I'm still trying to figure out what happened. It troubled me, and I don't know if it was indeed a vision or a flashback, but one thing's for sure- it was scary.
So during my experience, I saw multiple (10+) different 'planes' of existence. The one we are in now is the best plane of existence (a heaven of sorts). This is how we can communicate, see colours, hear, talk, exist in form and shapes, feel. In this plane "we" exist. The "we" is our souls, our very essence and consiousness. I guess we can call this PoE1 (Plane of Existence 1).
In this existence, we exist on different planes. Unlike PoE1, the other PoE are what we would call, or what has been desribed as, hell. Our souls last forever, and that is the saddest part. Because our souls cannot die, they travel through the different planes, cycling through existence. Ultimately, the goals of our souls are to reach PoE1, where they acquire the sense and exist as human beings, i.e. where they have life.
In the other planes (PoE2, PoE3, etc), our souls are dead. We exist, but for nothing. It's like there is no life after death. Our minds/souls are trapped in our dead bodies, in the darkness of our coffins, trying to move and escape. But we are dead, and no-one can help us. It is hell.
In another plane there is a constant rhythmn, like the sound of the heart monitor in the hospital shows, and flashes of life. Honestly, I thought this was probably like when I lost consciousness in hospital and literally died. There is the sound of the defibrillator and the surgeons talking, but your eyes is closed and you are trapped in your non responsive body. You start thinking, "...is this the end?" as your soul drifts in and out of this plane of existense. It is a lost cause, you travel to another PoE, to hell.
In this we are stacked up like blocks in tetris. We have some form, but more like an area of dense spirit. Here we line up as some of us struggle to break out of the plane to get to PoE1 where there is life. The lucky ones escape, those lucky enought to resemble the beat. Not everyone make it.
That is why, as living human beings, we are trying so hard to live longer- to gain immortality. We know, subconsiously, that once we die, our minds, our consciousness, our souls, will leave this existence, condemned to cycle through the PoE until we reach this life once again (PoE1). To leave this life would mean our souls have to travel through the hells, and so we'd do anything to stay in this life.
I tried my best to explain what I saw, but I can't describe everything. What I saw could have spanned timeless generations so I probably didn't see the full picture. There are things I can't comprehend, but slowly I try.
I think everyone know this as we all have been through it in our past existence. Our souls try to hide the pain and 'suffering' of hell, but I guess some individuals remember their past, in visions as I have experienced. Alternatively, this is all bullshit.
I realized looking back that it seemed similar to the concept of Buddhism their "perpetual cycle of conditioned existence and suffering." It is frighteningly similar. One thing to note however that during my vision I saw a reason for God (albeit a superficial one), that I guess doesn't fit with Buddhism. As our souls cycle through hell our minds are simple. The souls cannot think like they do in this PoE1, e.g. calculate maths, interpret our surrounding, seeing the colours. Instead, in hell, our mind can only think of one thing. For many it is fear, or the darkness that is hell. For the lucky ones their mind is of God, and the hope he brings. It is the hope that the 'idea' of God gives our soul that gives them the strength to struggle on, to keep on existing, to escape the Planes of Hell.
It is the lucky souls who believe that have the hope to escape hell.
So during my experience, I saw multiple (10+) different 'planes' of existence. The one we are in now is the best plane of existence (a heaven of sorts). This is how we can communicate, see colours, hear, talk, exist in form and shapes, feel. In this plane "we" exist. The "we" is our souls, our very essence and consiousness. I guess we can call this PoE1 (Plane of Existence 1).
In this existence, we exist on different planes. Unlike PoE1, the other PoE are what we would call, or what has been desribed as, hell. Our souls last forever, and that is the saddest part. Because our souls cannot die, they travel through the different planes, cycling through existence. Ultimately, the goals of our souls are to reach PoE1, where they acquire the sense and exist as human beings, i.e. where they have life.
In the other planes (PoE2, PoE3, etc), our souls are dead. We exist, but for nothing. It's like there is no life after death. Our minds/souls are trapped in our dead bodies, in the darkness of our coffins, trying to move and escape. But we are dead, and no-one can help us. It is hell.
In another plane there is a constant rhythmn, like the sound of the heart monitor in the hospital shows, and flashes of life. Honestly, I thought this was probably like when I lost consciousness in hospital and literally died. There is the sound of the defibrillator and the surgeons talking, but your eyes is closed and you are trapped in your non responsive body. You start thinking, "...is this the end?" as your soul drifts in and out of this plane of existense. It is a lost cause, you travel to another PoE, to hell.
In this we are stacked up like blocks in tetris. We have some form, but more like an area of dense spirit. Here we line up as some of us struggle to break out of the plane to get to PoE1 where there is life. The lucky ones escape, those lucky enought to resemble the beat. Not everyone make it.
That is why, as living human beings, we are trying so hard to live longer- to gain immortality. We know, subconsiously, that once we die, our minds, our consciousness, our souls, will leave this existence, condemned to cycle through the PoE until we reach this life once again (PoE1). To leave this life would mean our souls have to travel through the hells, and so we'd do anything to stay in this life.
I tried my best to explain what I saw, but I can't describe everything. What I saw could have spanned timeless generations so I probably didn't see the full picture. There are things I can't comprehend, but slowly I try.
I think everyone know this as we all have been through it in our past existence. Our souls try to hide the pain and 'suffering' of hell, but I guess some individuals remember their past, in visions as I have experienced. Alternatively, this is all bullshit.
I realized looking back that it seemed similar to the concept of Buddhism their "perpetual cycle of conditioned existence and suffering." It is frighteningly similar. One thing to note however that during my vision I saw a reason for God (albeit a superficial one), that I guess doesn't fit with Buddhism. As our souls cycle through hell our minds are simple. The souls cannot think like they do in this PoE1, e.g. calculate maths, interpret our surrounding, seeing the colours. Instead, in hell, our mind can only think of one thing. For many it is fear, or the darkness that is hell. For the lucky ones their mind is of God, and the hope he brings. It is the hope that the 'idea' of God gives our soul that gives them the strength to struggle on, to keep on existing, to escape the Planes of Hell.
It is the lucky souls who believe that have the hope to escape hell.
God
I'm hardly the religious kind. I used to go to church with my mom and step-dad but for a while now I've lost faith in God. There was a time when I was living on the streets when I tried seeking God's guidance, and got nothing.
Recently however a mate of mine, NC, has been trying to help me find my way. I used his initials by the way to keep my blog anonymous but it's no secret really cos anyone who know me will very easily figure out who he is lol.
So in the holidays I met some interesting people. I met an ex-Crown Prosecutor, and a Principle Youth Court Judge. It was uncomfortable at first being in the same room with them since the last time I was with people like them I almost went to jail. This time however the circumstances were different.
They were there to give advice, and share their story. The judge, Mr. Beecroft, was in my opinion, one of the most sincere man I have ever met. At first I was ready to hate, what with my previous experiences with the system, but in the end I was full of respect for the man. There was only one thing that gave him that much strength, and I know that it was his faith.
It is a wonder what our beliefs can compel us to do, what we will be.
Recently however a mate of mine, NC, has been trying to help me find my way. I used his initials by the way to keep my blog anonymous but it's no secret really cos anyone who know me will very easily figure out who he is lol.
So in the holidays I met some interesting people. I met an ex-Crown Prosecutor, and a Principle Youth Court Judge. It was uncomfortable at first being in the same room with them since the last time I was with people like them I almost went to jail. This time however the circumstances were different.
They were there to give advice, and share their story. The judge, Mr. Beecroft, was in my opinion, one of the most sincere man I have ever met. At first I was ready to hate, what with my previous experiences with the system, but in the end I was full of respect for the man. There was only one thing that gave him that much strength, and I know that it was his faith.
It is a wonder what our beliefs can compel us to do, what we will be.
Intro
So after my first post I thought I'd write a proper introduction instead of plagiarizing most parts.
They call me Jon (among other names). Currrently a student at uni. Since young I've always been moving around, different schools, different countries, and as a mate puts it- my childhood's "pretty f*cked up." It's a blessing I guess, cos I get into trouble a lot, even now, which is kinda a pity.
Most importantly I just want to dedicate this to Laura, my love. My heart skips a beat everytime I remember the times we spent, and I still think of you every day. The Gods have taken a lot away from me and though it hurts to think about it, I hope we'll be together again in time.
They call me Jon (among other names). Currrently a student at uni. Since young I've always been moving around, different schools, different countries, and as a mate puts it- my childhood's "pretty f*cked up." It's a blessing I guess, cos I get into trouble a lot, even now, which is kinda a pity.
Most importantly I just want to dedicate this to Laura, my love. My heart skips a beat everytime I remember the times we spent, and I still think of you every day. The Gods have taken a lot away from me and though it hurts to think about it, I hope we'll be together again in time.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Genesis
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.
Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light.
And God created the great creatures of the sea, and saw that it was good.
Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light.
And God created the great creatures of the sea, and saw that it was good.
He created the wild animals and all the creatures that move along the ground, and saw that it was good.
Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”
So God created man in his own image,
in the image of God;
he created them.
God saw all that he had made, and it was very good.
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