Revelation

So I've been telling my mates that the reason I'm reluctant to leave my boys are because I feel they are family, that the life I lead is what comes naturally to me, that God made me this way, to preserve the balance, the ying-yang co-existence. But it has just occured to me that the reason I hesitate to leave the gang is that I may be afraid. The things I have been taught, the evils I have seen, have given me the drive to do what they taught, what they ask, what I do best.

I have seen what they have done, what I have done, and it is ugly.

I have been taught to destroy, and it is in this act I see myself, that I have become afraid. The ability I have to punish others was not mine but passed from the gang, and I am just a student, a pawn in their game. I fear what they will do to me, as I have done to others, but only that they are much more skilled, as they have taught me all I know. It scares me that the power I have comes from a source, them, which I would be stupid to betray, and that is why I am reluctant.

I realise that this means they know how to control me. Those who fight back are those who truly have nothing to lose. I however have something to lose, and it pains me. They know not to back people into a corner, for they have only one way left to go- back towards you. Only corner those you want to kill, not control. And so it follows I am still alove because I am still useful to them, they know that, and they know I know it. Their shadows cast upon me, I know that they are keeping their distance, but that one day they will be calling, and what will I do then?