SHOUT OUT

So I'm stressed. I have a test on Monday which I do not have the study guide for and its Saturday night. No chance of getting a guide cos the Notes center is closed in the weekend. I have a lot on my mind right now and I just need to get it off my chest.


A lot of people say I have an interesting life. "Like on TV" they say. Well I wish it wasnt.

BACK IN THE DAY

I was about 16. Me and my mates were close. I had a best friend. I was homophobic (back then). I found out (or at least suspected) he was one of them. Since I was pretty 'high ranked' back then, when we dissed the fags I was pretty outspoken. So yeah this was a dilemma. Easily solved I thought. I outed him. He was devastated. Suicide. My girlfriend found out. Argument. I still love her. Devastated. Lost two of my closest mates.


ABUSE

Yes I was abused as a child. I was a fucking child so I didn't know it back then but now that I'm not as stupid I know what happened. Fuck that to think you can do things to a child. They don't know what's right or wrong, assuming that the person they TRUST will do the right thing. Fuck I didn't know it was not right- I was a FUCKING kid. O well.


MY FATHER FIGURE

Family problems. Never liked my step-dad. It was a mutual feeling. Sought refuge in the streets. Met Titch. My inspiration. He took me in cause he's been through the same thing. I could see it in his eyes. Taught me all I know. One day I hope to be like him.

Love

Girl: Do I ever cross your mind?
Boy: No

Girl: Do you like me?
Boy: Not really

Girl: Do you want me?
Boy: No

Girl: Would you cry if I left?
Boy: No

Girl: Would you live for me?
Boy: No

Girl: Would you do anything for me?
Boy: No way

Girl: What would you choose: your life..or me?
Boy: My life

The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says...

Boy: The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind. The reason why I don't like you is because I love you. The reason I don't want you is because I need you. The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left. The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you. The reason why I'm not willing to do you anything for you is because I would do everything for you. The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life.



Every day. Every night. You're always on my mind baby. It still hurts, but it helps me sleep.

Revelation

So I've been telling my mates that the reason I'm reluctant to leave my boys are because I feel they are family, that the life I lead is what comes naturally to me, that God made me this way, to preserve the balance, the ying-yang co-existence. But it has just occured to me that the reason I hesitate to leave the gang is that I may be afraid. The things I have been taught, the evils I have seen, have given me the drive to do what they taught, what they ask, what I do best.

I have seen what they have done, what I have done, and it is ugly.

I have been taught to destroy, and it is in this act I see myself, that I have become afraid. The ability I have to punish others was not mine but passed from the gang, and I am just a student, a pawn in their game. I fear what they will do to me, as I have done to others, but only that they are much more skilled, as they have taught me all I know. It scares me that the power I have comes from a source, them, which I would be stupid to betray, and that is why I am reluctant.

I realise that this means they know how to control me. Those who fight back are those who truly have nothing to lose. I however have something to lose, and it pains me. They know not to back people into a corner, for they have only one way left to go- back towards you. Only corner those you want to kill, not control. And so it follows I am still alove because I am still useful to them, they know that, and they know I know it. Their shadows cast upon me, I know that they are keeping their distance, but that one day they will be calling, and what will I do then?